Alien visiting Earth? How to make a good impression!

Where to go?

So aliens thinking of visiting earth? First of all you may want to land in Japan or America as they already hand out alien registration cards. This is to avoid being mistaken for foreigners in the United Kingdom.

Consider carefully your choice of spacecraft in your Galaxial Garage. If you plan to land in a city such as Tokyo or New York then leave the Mega-Juggernaut and take the Mini-Mate instead, unless you don't mind razing a few buildings to accommodate. However, this will not fare well with diplomatic relations and may end up with a military reception. If you land in the countryside it may still be wise to not think big but make sure that you take the latest sleekest model so that when you depart, your crop circle motif is remembered for all the right reasons. After all, any fashion mistakes, will be ingrained in the primitive minds of humans for a long time.

Presentation

Unless you plan to invade and destroy all humans before they notice that your garb is too retro, then you may want to plan a preliminary visit to the local Space Centre Mall. Seek the attention and advice of the first assistant that gives you that 'I wouldn't be seen dead in that' look. Do not wear dark glasses for disguise unless you have sensitivity to light as this will upset the United States 'men in black' division of the Ministry of Alien Affairs. It is standard issue there and they hate being upstaged. Besides if you have tendrils, antennas, claws or extra appendages it may be difficult not to be noticed anyway. For the same reason do not wear a long overcoat such as a Mac. These are the exclusive attire of police detectives. To blend in: if you land in New York, dress down. If you land in Tokyo, dress up.

Manners

Again this depends on where you land. If its Tokyo, you will need to bow – but be careful they have been known to crack skulls doing this. If in the United States and Britain, a handshake will be sufficient but if you are crustacean be careful to clip any claws and glove them before doing so. Once you have tuned in the intergalactic language translator start the formalities by talking about the weather. Here are a few suggestions: United Kingdom “It's raining cats and dogs again!”; South America “You could bake a cake in this!”; and Iceland “It's bloody freezing, let's get our arses indoors!”. To follow up, you can talk about sport, shopping, anything mundane and other people's annoying habits. Whatever you do avoid politics and religion, especially if you have somebody waiting outside your door before you can leave your spaceship. As more likely than not – it is probably a Mormon or a Jehovah's Witness.

Finally I want to make an apology for the stereotypical picture that I have enclosed. If you could sketch a more accurate description or send me a photo I will consider it as a replacement. After all we would hate to contravene any interspecies equality laws and face a lawsuit. As a courtesy, I have also added some recommended viewing for the journey down. If you order in advance - Amazon (which is not an ancient civilisation) can have it packaged and sent to you within a few light years (Mercury light years - thank goodness).